Animatronic Boogaloo: The Uncut Conversation
by MJTR
Summary: Dante and MJTR destroy the fourth wall, take it around back, and beat it with its own body.
1. Chapter 1

"Alright," Dante began, exasperated, "Are we in a relaxed, private atmosphere where we can resume our verbal sparring match uninterrupted?"

"Only one way to find out," I replied with a sigh. "Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits… Yep, we're good… Why the hell is piss on there? You can say piss on television. Carlin himself used to defend tits, said it sounded like a snack food."

"You mean like… I dunno, cheese tits?" Dante asked. "Or chicken tits? Chocolate tits? Yeah, you're kinda right… I can always just go home to the wife for that last one."

"Dad!" Evie nagged. "I'm standing right here!"

"Aw shit, that's right… Hey, Mijteer, you mind blocking this off from her til we're done?"

"… What the hell did you just call me? I mean, I'm not even angry, I'm just confused."

"Mijteer. That's how it's spelt."

"Wha- No! It's M-J-T-R. You pronounce every syllable you silly fuck."

"Making anyone pronounce a four-syllable name is just asinine. Especially when it's only four letters to begin with," Dante argued. "Four syllables is the point where everyone should start having nicknames."

"MJTR _is_ my nickname," I replied. "It's shorter than Michael Joseph Tharnish Roby. That's… One, two… Eight syllables! Two syllables to each name."

"Or, you know, I could just call you Mike."

"Call me Mike and I will cause that light hanging over your head to drop down right on top of you. Seriously man, I'm the writer, I'm like a friggen god!"

"But if you drop that lamp on my head you'll again prove what a fucking asshole you are!"

"_DAD_" Evie shouted again, more confused than ever.

"Yeah, I'm sorry kiddo," he said quickly before referring to the phone again. "Seriously, if we're gonna do this postmodern shit, can you just do something with her?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied. And with an unremarkable _pop_ sound, Evie suddenly disappeared from the room.

"Hey! Not what I had in mind!" Dante barked. "Where is she?"

"I don't fuckin' know… Um… The largest McDonald's ball pit ever constructed. And she's having a great time. You can seriously take my word for it. I can pop her back in whenever I want, see?"

_Pop_.

"Hi again Daddy!" Evie said, now suddenly happy again as multicolored plastic balls fell down all around her and she disappeared with another _pop_.

"You know what shithead? Why don't you just send me home then?"

"Because I need to squeeze a few more subscribers to my fanfic profile out of this story," I replied. "People apparently love you kicking animatronic ass, they've been having a blast… Except for that one guy who kept PMing me and being a dick about everything. Seriously, that guy was a complete tool."

"You mind not going off on a tangent when you-"

"No, seriously, if I don't reply after like, the first three, maybe even four PMs, take the fucking hint you jerk off! I'll reply if I want to reply, if I don't then just leave me the hell alone. I'm not trying to bitch about having fans and followers, but this dick was seriously clinging to me like a fucking barnacle… And now I've decided to describe him in this story. Seems like appropriate payback."

"You've officially rambled past the three-page mark and we haven't once addressed the fact that I'm still locked in Freddy Fucking Fazbear's Shitty Pizza… Or the fact that for three stories now, I've been pretty clean-mouthed and you now have me swearing like a goddamn sailor… Bitch."

"Yeah, well we all take on certain personas, right?" I mused. "It wasn't consistent with your character to work in copious amounts of vulgarity when you never really swore in your own games… It's just now that we've taken a fucking battering iron the fourth wall, we can really do whatever we want."

"Still kinda dropped the ball on having me call Freddy a motherfucker then," Dante said, unamused.

"Oh come on! That's different! Everyone can say motherfucker when their daughter has been kidnapped by the bad guy! That's your God-given right! I didn't give you an emo makeover, dye your hair black and have you shouting obscenities every other word."

"Are you comparing me to my remake counterpart, or to Nero in Revelations?"

"Nero in Revelations was based on your remake counterpart… Who, ironically, was pretty much based on Nero… Look, none of that matters. Yes, in-story you usually avoid using more colorful words, but again, everyone has a "motherfucker threshold" if you will. A point where ordinarily clean… Or you know, _mostly_… I mean… _Somewhat_… Yeah, _somewhat_ clean mouthed characters get to yell motherfucker."

"Do you believe there's such a threshold on the C-word?" Dante asked.

"… You're a fucking demon hunter and you call it 'the C-word'?!" I demanded. "Yeah! Yeah I do think there's a threshold!"

"I don't think so," Dante replied.

"What are you, nuts?" I asked. "A guy who gets paid to kill stuff should not be arguing with me on whether it's okay to say cunt!"

"You made me cringe a little just now, not gonna lie," Dante said.

"You stupid white haired gentlemen," I sneered. "I parodied these fears in another thing I once wrote that I hope gets published one of these days… Two of my characters, a brother and a sister? They're at this pop-concert, but the pop star there is actually a demon and she's gonna kill everybody in the audience, and as they're clearing the room out, the brother calls her a vapid cunt. When his sister tries to call him out on it, he points out that literally thousands of people were almost killed… And the sister then agrees with him!"

"I don't buy it. Not for a moment. Most people don't ever even consider it. This 'threshold' of yours sounds like something you made up with to justify your own dirty mouth."

"I think we've established you have a pretty fucking foul mouth yourself!" I asserted.

"And look at that, we officially hit page five and we still haven't discussed a damn thing, you jackass." Dante retorted.

"… Fine. What is it about this god forsaken story you still think is deserving of any attention?" I asked.

"Oh gee, I don't know, maybe the fact that you made a fucking joke about a kid raping another one!"

At this I was seriously offended. "What are you talking about?"

"That stupid stunt you pulled having Mangle try to mount Foxy. Care to try and explain that you stupid fuck?"

"… Oh shit! That's right! I wrote that didn't I… I mean… Okay, here's the thing, originally, the animatronics _weren't_ actually going to be possessed by the spirits of the kids. I wanted to offer a different take on the mythos and make you killing them less gruesome, so I was just gonna say they were straight-up demons… But then I got thinking about The Marionette and how its backstory worked in and… Shit… Yeah… In hindsight that's pretty fucked up…"

"Yeah. I thought so," Dante said, both disgusted and triumphant.

"… Except wait! That's not actually what happened at all! Okay, listen up. The thing is, it wasn't _just_ children's souls inside the animatronics. Two of the former security guards who were killed? Their souls were stuffed into the costumes as well. And they were husband and wife, and so Mangle trying to fuck Foxy wasn't _really _rape, the soul inside Mangle was just distracted by the ghost of her husband. That's all."

"That's really the best you got, isn't it?" Dante critiqued. "Alright then dumbass. What were their names?"

"… Um… Arin and Suzy? Yeah, I'm going with Arin and Suzy… Except wait! Suzy would be the one who would just rush to get the job done, Arin is the type who would be a really annoying little bitch about it. So in that case, _Arin_ was inside Mangle and Suzy was inside Foxy. There you have it."

"… I'm going to ignore the fact that you just cosmically re-wrote the universe I live in out of how mindblowing that is to instead say that whatever part of this story's fanbase you alienated by defending using the C-word, you lost about twice as many when you insulted some internet show I've never heard of but somehow know exists for some reason."

"Arin is the weak link! Arin was the weak link back when Jon was on, and now he's the weak link to Dan!" I yelled, forgetting what I was even talking about in the first place.

"And for the rest of this story I was apparently murdering children in the bodies of animatronics. I feel abso-fucking-lutely wonderful right now… And for someone who apparently wanted to spend this whole chapter spewing obscenities, you're frankly not very good at it. I hardly think you're one to judge the makers of DmC for overusing the word fuck."

"At least I'm using it for comedy!" I shouted. "I'm not trying to make 'relatable' characters or whatever stupid bullshit they're using to justify this garbage with this week. I'm just trying to make people laugh! Make people fucking laugh!"

"Are they laughing?" Dante asked coyly.

"I don't know! The reviews aren't in yet. I guess it'll be on them to judge."

"Maybe they'll all point out how pointless this exercise was and give you a rightful kick in the ass that you kept them waiting so long for this… And maybe those sorry bastards waiting for you to update Book of Time will show up somewhere in the mix too."

"Keep at it asshole. I'm still in control of everything here! I could shut you up right now if I wanted!"

"Why don't you go ahead and try-"

"Ha! There! I have silenced you! You have, no more dialogue! Creator beats creation, pure and simple!"

"…"

"… Though I do suppose it's not my creation, it's Kamiya's and Cawthon's…"

"I know Dante belongs to Capcom, but fuck those guys. Created by Hideki Kamiya. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

"But _Dante's Night at Freddy's_ is my creation… Again… Sort of. It's a little like gluing stuff out of magazines together and pretending you drew the pictures and wrote the words, you know? Did anyone else do that when they were a kid?"

"I once wrote this ransom-style note to my brother using glued magazine cut-outs. I read about it in Calvin and Hobbes and thought it would be funny. I put it in the mailbox and set it up like it was from some creepy, stalker-ish admirer. And it was really easy, because the movie _Death to Smoochie_ was coming out that year, so I found an ad for it and got to work the _smooch _in… We were little kids at the time. It was innocent fun. I swear."

"…"

"Hey, speaking of stalker-ish admirers and movies, anyone seen that trailer for _The Boy Next Door_? I know I'm really fucking dating this thing by making that reference, but I already said it's 2015 when I'm writing this… I think…"

"Anyway that trailer? You know what's all I can think about when I watch that trailer? How it would be a hundred fucking times more interesting if the roles were reversed. I mean, the boy student is a violent stalker? What the fuck ever. You make the teacher the obsessed one? That prospect is horrifying. You get students who are shit-their-pants horrified of their teachers to begin with, and then you add her trying to control him outside of school? Maybe she threatens to fail him for having a girlfriend. Maybe she says she can frame him for illicit behavior if he stops fucking her. If you have a teacher, who already has power over a student, and give her _sexual_ power over one, you got a recipe for something fresh right there."

"You could even throw in the bros who are like, 'Man, I sure wish I could pound our Jennifer Lopez teacher! Ha ha ha!'. But the kid himself doesn't like it anymore. He wants to escape. He wants something normal to do with his life. He's sick of her shit. But who's he gonna turn to? The police aren't going to take him seriously. Not in movie-land. I'm sorry, this trailer just bugs the shit out of me. So much potential, so much gender politics and it's all totally wasted!"

"…"

"Holy fucking shit, did I just start rambling nonsensically about a movie nobody in their right minds gives a shit about? The hell is wrong with me? And now I'm sopping up all the focus and the pages, like some kind of attention whore."

"All this because I refused to let Dante have another line? Is this why God allows suffering to exist and doesn't just come out and prove he… It… Whatever, is out there? Does God think God would just go completely bonkers if left to God's own devices, so God allows pain to exist in the world so that people can ask God questions and God won't have to just talk to God's self? It's suddenly coming across as plausible to me."

"I should add some of this newfound theology to _Angel_, but the thing is so close to being finished I really don't think I'll have time… Man… I was wrong. I can't fuckin' do this. Me arguing with myself as myself is more depressing than talking about murdering children's spirits and animatronic rape. I give up. Dante, you can talk again."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he replied. "Is your dick as small as your ego is huge?"

"If my penis was reverse-proportional to my ego, I'd be a woman. A woman born without a clitoris. Because clits and dicks are like, distantly related or something."

"Aaaaaaand anyone with a shred of good taste left in them has walked out. Class act, ass hat."

"Yeah go fuck a duck," I said. "I'm done here. I've expelled my energy. I've tried to explain the twist, tried to explain what the fuck went on… I can't do it. This thing spun right the hell out of control."

"… But hey… Listen, before you go," Dante muttered with a small sigh of defeat.

"Yeah?"

"Um… Look, I hate to say this but… But you clearly like this, loosely improvised, experimental, super-racy comedy shit, don't you?"

"You know it," I replied.

"Kinda brings back memories," Dante said. "Remember… When you first started writing me? Remember seventh grade?"

At this I was briefly silenced. "You… You mean…?"

"Yeah… Why'd we ever stop making those?" Dante asked. "Everyone said that was some of the funniest shit they'd ever read. Getting some old, retired video game characters together and having them go on weird non-adventures? It was good times… However absurd it was. I can't deny it… Fucking around with you like this can actually been kind of entertaining."

Dante managed to silence me as I quietly considered his words. "I mean… Getting the old team back together…? Dante I'd love to but… I mean by now they might all be dead. Link was a raging alcoholic, Cloud flat out wanted to kill himself by the time we were done with the last season… Spikeman and Blade pretty much dropped off the face of the earth…"

"Is it really gonna hurt you to try?" Dante asked. "I mean hell, you're establishing yourself as a comedian. You got some attention for this thing and the first one… Somehow. I think a resurrection is long overdue."

"… I'd hate to have this chapter be a poorly disguised pilot." I said with a sigh. "Alright, you know what? Yeah… I'll call them. We'll see what happens."

"And how are the viewers at home gonna find it?" Dante asked.

"… Probably in the crossover section of Zelda and Final Fantasy VII to be honest." I said.

"What?! But I'm your comedic lead!" Dante yelled.

"Yeah, but you've had your name and series attached to three of my projects already. I don't want that to feel like overkill… Just share the spotlight? Please?"

"Alright, alright… I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually looking forward to seeing those sorry sons of bitches again."

"It'll be in the M-rated section. The fucking site never displays M-rated content unless you ask for it."

"You telling me, or the folks at home?" Dante asked.

"Both… But I gotta clear out this chapter first. More details will be in the author's note."

"Good times… You mind sending me and my kid home now?"

"I have a few more jokes I wanna get in. But here." _Pop_, Evie appeared by Dante's side again just as a knock came at the back door. "I'll get you home somehow. For the moment, I think someone should be delivering something."

_Click_.

[[Author's note: Tomorrow, I will be releasing the first "episode" in a comedy series I haven't written in ages, and never on full display for a big website like this. If you have enjoyed this more vulgar side of things and want to see more abject insanity, go to the Zelda and Final Fantasy VII crossover section, set the rating to M, and starting tomorrow you can check out the premier of the newly resurrected "FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures."

Due to the heavy content that will be present and the fact it will be wholly at odds with a lot of my other work, I have decided to create a second account for posting these and, hopefully, only these. You will find me there under the name "TheFMZGuy".

And just to give you a sneak peek at the insanity that is to follow, the character bios and beginning of the first episode are posted in the next chapter. Enjoy!]]


	2. FMZ Mini Stories SNEAK PEEK

FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures

SPECIAL SNEAK PEEK:

THE CAST:

Dante Sparda (Devil May Cry): A former demon-slayer who retired from the business for badtalking his design in Devil May Cry 4. The name Capcom leaves a bad taste in his mouth and, in his struggle to embrace his newfround freedom, is exercising his ridiculously powerful levito. He is an amateur pornographic film director to keep money coming in.

…

Link McNash (Legend of Zelda): The once illustrious Hero of Time, whose career and reputation kinda fell apart when he retroactively undid his own saving of the world by returning to his childhood and having Ganondorf arrested for misconduct, rather than slaying him after seven years of darkness. Zelda also broke up with him when she started fucking his cel-shaded self. Link's raging alcoholic tendencies mix together with his mellowed out pot-smoking to create a mostly functioning individual. He resells dirty needles in his free time. Roommates with Cloud.

…

Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII): Depressed by the death of his lover Aerith towards the end of Final Fantasy VII and further depressed by the downward spiral the whoring of his license created, Cloud is a miserable little creature who claims to be Jewish, may or may not struggle with his sexual identity, and whose thoughts of slashing his own wrists grow stronger every day. No one is entirely sure what his job is, or why he willingly lives in poor conditions with Link.

…

Blade: An electricity powered hedgehog who has been out of work after being exiled from the Super Smash Flash series, along with companion and roommate Spikeman. Blade is the team's voice of reason, is incredibly technologically and combat savvy and is generally kind to others. It is perhaps the only reason why he hangs out with the rest of the cast, sometimes bordering on being a doting father-figure, though not unwilling to engage in their insanity himself. He moved into the neighborhood several years after the core cast has been developed, but is beloved by all of them nonetheless. He is a retired hitman and now works as a hibachi chef.

…

Spikeman: A spikey (a race of armless creatures around three-feet tall, most of which is head and spikey hair), Spikeman and Blade have been close friends since they were both kicked out of Super Smash Flash 2. Falling into obscurity created a deep, brotherly bond between the two… Though like any other pair of brothers, they have many scraps of their own. Spikeman is brash and impulsive, but often serves as the heart of the big five.

…

FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures

Season Idunfuckingknow

Episode One: Bualls

…

[The scene opens within Link and Cloud's apartment as Link sits sprawled out on the couch and watches Saturday morning cartoons, a joint in one hand, a Jägermeister in the other.]]

Link: Come on… Get to the good stuff already! You call this starting a fucking season? I feel like I'm getting a root canal while having my chest hairs waxed… And being forced to watch The Mummy 3… (Under his breath) Is that reference still relevant?

[Cloud enters from his bedroom, scratching his eyes until he gets a good look at Link sprawled out on the couch. He is instantly furious]

Cloud: What have I told you about sitting naked on the damn loveseat?!

Link: I'm using it for its intended purpose! You're supposed to make love on it, dumbass.

Cloud: Alright smart guy, who'd you make love to on it then?

Link: My girlfriend of the week. Her name is Candy. (He waves to Cloud) Hi there, stupid blonde haired guy… Did I say Candy? I meant Handy.

Cloud: Did you wash that hand?

Link: What do you think I am, a barbarian?

Cloud: Good.

[Cloud then grabs ahold of the hand Link waved at him with and begins to squeeze and twist it. In moments, Link is shouting in agony.

Link: Ow! Cut it out asshole!

Cloud: No! I'm sick and tired of waking up and finding you pulling this shit on the couch _I_ paid for! Apologize!

Link: NO!

Cloud: Damn it, I'll bite it off if you make me!

[Link shifts his position on the couch so that he can deliver a few kicks to Cloud's face]

Link: What, you're not gonna take me out to dinner first?!

Cloud: Give it to me! I've endured enough of this shit already!

[In amongst the struggle, Link manages to trap Cloud in a triangle choke. However, this maneuver leaves his balls inches away from Cloud's mouth. Cloud, in turn, leans forward to bite them, which nearly brings Link to freak out, until there is a knock on the door.]

Landlord Daisy: Hey! You homos gonna answer the door for me?

Link: I take that offensively Mrs. Perkins, and I'd sue you for it if I had the funds to do so!

Landlord Daisy: Yeah yeah yeah. Open the door already!

[Link releases Cloud who then pushes him aside, glaring at him for a moment before slapping him right in the nads.]

Link: MOTHERFUCKER! (Clenches his balls and grits his teeth).

[Cloud goes to answer the door. A half-toothed, raggedy looking Princess Daisy leans against the doorway, smoking a cigarette. Cloud immediately averts his eyes]

Cloud: Agh! Um… Hello… Mrs. Perkins… Doing well today?

Daisy: Cut the shit, Strife. You're a week late on rent.

Cloud: Late on rent? I had it ready for you last Friday! I left it right on the counter for Link to deliver to you.

Daisy: I never received it.

Cloud: (Glares at Link) I left you my half of the rent. Where the fuck did it go?

Link: Wha… What? The money you left on the counter…? I thought that was for the apocalypse bunker.

[Cloud's jaw drops as Daisy peers inside, noticing the naked Link]

Cloud: Apocalypse bunker?! What apocalypse bunker?! We don't even have a backyard you piece of shit!

Link: But I bought hundreds of boxes of Hot Pockets and instant mashed potatoes already!

[Cloud grabs Link to beat the shit out of him, but Daisy interrupts them with an "Ahem".]

Daisy: Hey there MacNash.

Link: How did you learn my last name?

Daisy: You got nice bualls.

Link: *Blink blink* Um… Thank you?

Daisy: I'll tell you homos what… Mr. Perkins hasn't been especially receptive to my needs as of late… I haven't had my… Cake batter whizzed lately, if you know what I mean?

Link: Uhh… What?

Daisy: I want you to pound my muffin.

Cloud: You… I don't get it…

Daisy: Oh for the love of- You're gonna fuck me McNash!

Link: (Unsettled) What?!

Daisy: You. Fuck. Me. And I'll drop your rent for the month.

[Link and Cloud exchange genuinely disturbed looks before…]

Cloud: He'll do it.

Link: WHAT?!

[Daisy gives Link a smile, revealing a horrid smile]

Daisy: Looking forward to it, McNash… You ever had anyone look in your asshole?

Link: *Goes pale* Um… I don't think so…?

[Daisy pops out her right eye, revealed to be glass, and rolls it around between her fingers]

Daisy: I can't wait to touch your brown eye with one of my blues, McNash. See you on Wednesday.

MORE INSANITY TO FOLLOW! CHECK IT OUT AT THE ZELDA AND FINAL FANTASY CROSSOVER SECTION STARTING TOMORROW! HARD M RATING, HOSTED UNDER "TheFMZGuy."


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